The Boy-Girl Friendship

Alright, here we go. Time to open the floodgates.

Today, we’re diving straight into the deep end to set the tone for this blog. A thorny, borderline cliché topic, but one that still sparks heated debates: boy-girl friendships. And yeah, I’m about to say some things that’ll probably light a few fires and ruffle a few feathers. That’s just how it goes—it’s in my DNA. People love me (or don’t) for that: raw honesty and unfiltered sincerity.

Let’s get one thing straight right now: this topic is kinda overplayed, and honestly, I’m not exactly losing sleep over it. But before we even get into it, I’m gonna need you to turn your brain on. Yeah, you. Just because a few parts of this might stroke your ego, validate your feelings, or support some shaky conclusions, don’t think this post is here to back your train of thought. I’m not here to feed your fragile, crisis-mode ego with recycled social media soundbites. Nor am I here to coddle flimsy ideas that could collapse like a house of cards.

Sorry to disappoint, but we’re going a bit deeper than TikTok and Instagram-level “hot takes.” Around here, we respect ourselves enough to actually think. That’s the whole point of writing, after all: leaving a trace, not of raw, scattered thoughts, but of actual reflection. An idea is born first, sure; a thought gives it depth, but only genuine reflection is worth sharing. That’s why it’s called brainstorming: you toss ideas around, you think them through as a group, but you reflect on the best way to bring them to life.

Let me put it plainly: if all you’ve got are a bunch of half-baked ideas, you don’t have much to bring to the table here. This isn’t some “pop the balloon” TikTok challenge or a man-on-the-street interview where theories fall apart at the first tough question.

But lucky for you, you’re rolling with me. Even on a shallow topic like this, I’m about to show you what actual reflection looks like. Don’t worry—I won’t go overboard. This isn’t a dissertation for some Ivy League entrance exam (self-aware flex, I know).

Now that I’ve probably bruised your ego a little—and got you locked in till the end, even if it’s just to cry about it in my DMs later—let’s lay down some basic definitions, philosophy, and math. Why? Because, let’s be real, between zoning out in class, not giving a damn about things that actually matter, and the brain-melting effect of social media, you probably need it. That said, connecting the dots to the rest of the article? That’s on you. I’m not spoon-feeding anything.

Etymology

The word friend comes from Old English freond, itself derived from the Germanic root frijonz, which meant exactly what it means today: a friend. As for lover, no big mystery there either: it comes from lufian, which meant "to love," stemming from the same Germanic root. Simple and efficient, no frills.

In Latin, words like ami, amico, or amigo find their origin in amicus, which also means… friend. Again, no debate here. Among Romance languages, we see variations: in Romanian, for example, prieten comes from priaetinus, meaning "close" or "intimate."

So why dig into these origins? Not to give you an etymology lesson—that can wait for my French classes—but to lay down a stable foundation. Dead languages don’t evolve. Their meanings remain fixed, offering an excellent point of reference. On the other hand, living languages are in constant evolution, their definitions adapting to the chaos of our times. What matters here is not blindly following current definitions but rather nuancing them—or even reinventing them.

A Brief Philosophical Detour: Principles & Characteristics

To think properly (as opposed to just spouting off impulsive opinions), you need to understand the different Principles and Characteristics (P&C) that govern the world. In philosophy, we distinguish four types:

• Universal P&C: Immutable and valid for everyone. Example: every living being eventually dies. Incontestable.

• General P&C: Valid for the majority, but not for all. Example: “Humans are born with two arms and two legs.” Not universal, but widely true. This is where we see the absurdity of saying, “Don’t generalize.” That’s precisely the point of general P&C. That’s the one we’ll be using in this article.

• Particular P&C: Valid for a significant minority. Example: you learn the violin easily. Rare, but not unique.

• Specific P&C: Applicable to only one person or entity. Example: Usain Bolt is the only one to have run 100 meters in under 9.60 seconds.

When people say, “Don’t generalize,” they completely miss the point of statistical analysis: drawing conclusions from data to establish trends. This isn’t pseudo-philosophy; philosophy is, in a way, mathematical. So maybe listen a little more to your teachers when they tell you that these subjects are interconnected and useful.

A Quick Math Lesson to Set Things Straight

Do you know what a normal distribution is? It’s a curve that models the general tendencies of a population. It’s used to predict phenomena, natural or not. For example, we can estimate the likelihood of a randomly selected person possessing a given characteristic. Extremes (specific or unique cases) exist, but they remain exceptions, not the rule.

The binomial distribution, on the other hand, measures the number of successes in random experiments. Statistically, it tells us that you are much closer to the general than to the specific. To simplify further: if you claim to be “different” or “special,” know that your chances of being exceptional are about as slim as becoming the next Usain Bolt. And if you excel in one area, you likely have weaknesses elsewhere. It’s mathematical.

This is also why IQ is measured with a normal distribution: the average is set at 100, and deviations are assessed around this base. We could imagine an Amicability Quotient or a Romantic Quotient, but that would cause too much heartbreak among those who think they’re above average...

So when you tell me, “Math is useless,” or “You shouldn’t generalize,” well, actually, yes: it’s the foundation of any theory or concept. For an idea to have value, it must be applicable to multiple cases. Otherwise, it’s just an unfounded ramble.

And when a girl says, “I’m not like the others,” she’s mistaken. She might lack that particular characteristic, but she has others that are all too common. If she were truly unique, we’d already be hearing about her on every media platform.

Incidentally, that’s what the media does: they focus on the extremes, the exceptions to the rule, because the general is ordinary. And ordinary isn’t special—except that it’s precisely what makes up the majority. Again, I’m not inventing this; it’s science.

There you go for the reminders. Yes, it may seem basic, but basics aren’t universal, especially in the age of social media, where everyone thinks they have their own “truth.” Here, we aim for better. We think.

First, let’s go back to how everyone defines the word "friend." When it comes to boy-girl relationships, let’s be honest: this dynamic is often influenced by unspoken truths or underlying intentions. If I tell you, “She’s my friend,” what does that actually mean? That I respect her and don’t only see her as a potential sexual partner? Ideally, yes. But for many, it also means she’s in a space where “it’s not possible yet,” either because the other person isn’t interested, or due to personal circumstances, and so we label it as “friendship.” You’re not just hanging out to “debate the stars.” Let’s be real: there’s at least some level of interest, whether physical, emotional, or even strategic. And it’s the same the other way around. At this point, let’s stop idealizing boy-girl friendship as some immaculate purity free of all ambiguity. Humans, by nature, are more complex.

But let’s dig deeper. It’s not about “possibility” but about dynamic. When boy-girl friendships do exist, they often rest on shaky foundations because expectations and desires differ. And when one of them decides to change the terms of this unspoken agreement, everything collapses. You want an example? The classic “I see you as a brother/sister.” It’s literally the situation where one of them hoped for more but gets relegated to the friendzone. That’s a line we’ve all heard before, and it stings.

And that’s where another concept comes into play: relational asymmetry. There’s often an imbalance — either one of them secretly hopes for something, or there’s an emotional dependency that makes the relationship unfair. And this imbalance means that even if you firmly believe in this friendship, it rests on an underlying instability. You’re living on a fault line, pretending everything is stable. Until it isn’t...

And yet, the concept of “family” doesn’t necessarily mean a rejection of the other’s advances. To better understand the terms “dynamic” and “family,” let me use a personal example followed by a broader analysis. Check this out:

For me, there’s someone who holds a very special place in my heart: Aimée. We’ve been friends since primary school, since we were about 9 years old, I think. We met at our town’s basketball club, where we practiced after school. Like any kid, I went there to have fun, but I particularly enjoyed training with the girls, more so than the boys. Not just because of the crushes we might have had on some of them, but because it was my special time with Aimée.

As we grew older, our game and practice schedules started to align, so much so that our teams often played one after the other. This led us to see each other very regularly, and over the years, a true friendship developed. We shared far more than basketball: social media, outings, our club parties, talks about our lives, our classes, our love stories, and tons of music and dance moments. Aimée was one of the first people I confided in about everything. At a time when I didn’t have much luck with girls, she was the only one who saw my qualities and genuinely made me feel good about them.

I call Aimée “my sister from another mother” (Tabara, if you’re reading this, don’t cry). As beautiful as she is, I’ve never felt any desire for her. What’s remarkable about our relationship is that we’ve never brought up the subject or let any ambiguity hover. Unlike what young people often say, there’s never been that “moment where one of us didn’t want to confess.” We’ve always had a natural understanding, free from hidden meanings. And yet, there was a time when we were inseparable. Na lingi yo, Aimée. Yes, in Lingala 🇨🇩💜

I love Aimée like a sister, a friend I’ve never desired. What I’m saying is that there are two independent truths: I love her like a sister, and I’ve never desired her. It’s not sibling-like love that cancels out desire, nor is it the absence of desire that creates sibling-like love. Both coexist, without imposing on each other. I know, your brain isn’t used to reading or hearing nuanced things and often likes to take shortcuts, so now it’s crashing. Just re-read it.

Desire isn’t a barrier to friendship. Or, to put it another way, the absence of desire doesn’t automatically stem from seeing someone as family, nor does the “chosen family” bond magically cancel out attraction. We love people for what they mean to us: a vital part of our lives, a genuine affection built over time. Generally, we don’t desire those within our family — that’s a natural and deeply ingrained norm. But let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that we’re immune to feeling desire for those we consider part of our friends, aka our “chosen family”.

You’ve probably been there: you feel attracted to someone, and whether you’re a guy or a girl, you’ve thought, “I’ll start by being their friend.” It’s a logical, natural step, rooted in our human instincts — especially when we’re still learning the ropes of social relationships. At that moment, you know that by becoming someone’s friend, you’re gaining a level of intimacy and affection that feels like the best way to get closer to your goals. Let’s call it what it is: conscious or unconscious strategy.

Shoutout to Romanian etymology for giving us this nuanced idea of “drawing closer.”

And by the way, let’s acknowledge a simple fact: despite all the debates fueled by woke discourse, the majority of people still identify as male or female and heterosexual, so we’re addressing the most common dynamic here.

Now back to the topic. By stepping into someone’s intimate circle, you increase your chances of earning certain “favors,” including physical ones. Obvious, right? Still, it’s worth saying out loud. Even in cases of “love at first sight,” most relationships go through the “friend” phase before becoming romantic or physical. It’s just how things flow. And beyond the starting line of a relationship, couples — household or not — often embody that same friendly complicity, which becomes a cornerstone of their bond. This friendship within a couple is often what makes the relationship so fulfilling.

And for those gearing up to DM me with examples of their parents as counterarguments — save it. First of all, your parents (and mine, for that matter) aren’t representative of the global population. Secondly, you likely don’t know much about their relationship before you came into the picture. Just because they’re less demonstrative now doesn’t mean they weren’t once friends. And if they don’t get along today, it’s likely because that friendship crumbled. For those who are separated but still stay in touch, it’s often for practical reasons, especially concerning the family unit and the household. Anyway, read this again carefully, and you’ll realize that friendship is one of the foundational pillars of human relationships, including romantic ones.

Now, let’s switch gears. You’re talking to a girl who becomes your friend, and this girl you initially found attractive is now your friend. Are we agreeing that, at this point, “you desire your friend,” right? If your sole goal is to “meet a need,” though, why bother with all this setup? Sex workers exist precisely for that, sparing you from having to pose as “a friend of women.” Yes, I went there — pulling out the phrase pseudo-alphas love to use: “I’m not a friend of women.”

So let’s revisit the question: what about desire? Do you still desire this friend because you’re attracted to her, or is that desire dulled because she’s now, in your mind, “like family”? It’s a tough one, right? Do you consider her family and therefore untouchable, or does calling her “a friend” feel like a more socially acceptable pretext for trying your luck? Because at the end of the day, you’ve managed to become her friend, and yet, you still desire her. So, which is it? Either you hook up with someone who is your “family”, or you’re doin’ it with someone who is only “a friend”.

To spice things up, let’s throw in another scenario we’ve all encountered (most of us, at least): that one friend who had a major glow-up. You know, the one you ended up sharing a moment of sexual tension with but ultimately decided to “protect the friendship,” just like all those viral posts on social media love to preach.

If you claim it’s unthinkable to desire a friend because she’s "like family," let me going further to make you understand: you’ve already had a crush on a cousin. We’ve all had that cousin we thought was pretty as kids or teens, and maybe, just maybe, the idea of "marrying cousins is legal" crossed your mind. Yet, you didn’t stop believing in “boy-girl (friendly) cousinship.” Do you see where I’m going? Desiring someone you consider "close" is natural, that’s the purpose of HAVING A GIRLFRIEND OR A BOYFRIEND. THAT’S IN THE NAME.

You see, you’ve already crushed on your cousin—don’t deny it, we’ve all been there.

Let’s break it down. Either you hook up with a family member (and own up to it completely), or you hook up with someone who’s just a friend. But here you are, acting all pure, saying you can’t desire your friends, even though you’ve fantasized about a cousin before. See the irony? I just lowered myself to your level, and that’s enough to show how flawed your reasoning is. Wasn’t hard. At all. I didn’t even have to go all out to dismantle such a fragile argument. Would be so ironic to put such efforts in such a stupid debate. Remind, I’m just breaking your ideas and writing to do so. I’m not that involved.

The truth is, you’re just starving. In a society that glorifies lust and pushes you to see boy-girl relationships in binary terms—"lovers or nothing"— and praises a dichotomous and manic vision of boy-girl friendship, you cling to this excuse: "I don’t believe in boy-girl friendship." Why? Because your ego can’t handle all the rejections. Girls, on the other hand, are perfectly fine saying, "Let’s stay friends," and you’d do the same if you were as desired as they are. 

So stop with your grand speeches. Tell me this instead: has there never been a girl in your life, a friend, that you wanted to keep simply as a friend, with no ulterior motives? If you did, then you clearly believe in friendship. And if not, it’s just because you turned her down right away, knowing there was no potential future—neither romantically nor just for the bed. That’s it. Period.

If you want to cling to the idea that "she’s just my friend," then let’s be clear: that friend who’s not your girlfriend is potentially a sex-friend. Because having a sex-friend involves a connection and a level of intimacy that, guess what, are the very foundations of friendship. It’s right there in the word.

So we’re going in circles. Either you desire a family member because, to you, your friends are like family. Or you desire girls who become your friends because that connection fuels your romantic or sexual relationships. Or you desire a sex-friend, who’s still a friend with a different tacit agreement. And if you just want to hook up without any emotional or friendly connection, there’s always the option of paying for it. Because hooking up with a girl without any feeling or regard for her is literally acting like an animal without self-control. And for a girl, hooking up with a guy without emotional interest, just giving in to the first one who comes along, would be seen as an “easy girl" and neither boys nor girls would ever want to be associated to an “easy-girl” operation. Tell me I’m wrong.

But instead, you prefer clumsily hitting on girls, hoping for one-night stands. And when it doesn’t work out, you rage against the ones who turn you down because you failed to establish that connection to even temporarily become "their friend." You refuse to admit that friendship is the foundation, whether it’s for love, desire, or sharing anything. And even less that you’re too broke to even consider the easy route of a prostitute.

So listen up: desiring your friends is anything but absurd. It’s completely natural, it’s a biological areality. In the same way, desiring someone who becomes or is considered family, according to your perception, is possible.

By sharing our story—Aimée and me, pure and without ambiguity from day one—I let you believe for a moment that I validated your shaky, deceptive reasoning. But it was to better dismantle this illusion you tell yourself. The sanctified and binary idea of boy-girl friendship or "family-friend" and the "alpha” pure straight mentality both doesn’t make any sense.

Let’s sum it up simply:

• You can desire someone in your family. That’s the proof you consider yourself close to them.

• If you desire a girl you talk to and want to date, it’s a friend you desire because every relationship involves some form of connection, even after love at first sight.

• If you don’t want her as a girlfriend, you want a sex-friend—again, a friend with a different arrangement.

• And if none of these fit, your only option is prostitutes. But let’s be honest: your wallet and your ego aren’t ready for that.

End of story.

The truth is, in many of these situations, it’s more about a "waiting" or "backup" relationship than a truly selfless friendship. And here’s where I might agree with you: the society we live in isn’t built for true boy-girl-girl friendships on a large scale. What skews everything is the constant eroticization of interaction between genders, fueled by "alpha mindset" media, social expectations, and cultural patterns I’ll refrain from attacking for now. Of course, there’s a physiological reality that get us desire each other, but it has been taken to an absurd level, as we’re all like we cannot try to be friend with the opposite gender, without wanting to do the stuff or trying to be a love partner.

In short, the idealized and simultaneously demonized notion of boy-girl friendship is often just a slippery slope, a coexistence of conscious or unconscious desires and often blurry implicit rules. So instead of trying to answer this question in a binary way, it’s better to reflect on your intentions, your boundaries, and your definition of friendship.

And you? What do you think? Are you going to slide into my DMs with something like, "Yeah, but I know a girl/a guy where it’s different"? You already know what my answer will be.

Catch you soon for another article that’ll spark just as much chatter. In the meantime, feel free to check out everything I do—browse the site and the links in my Instagram bio.

Wilou, your favorite blogger.